Monday, May 18, 2009

Blue on Blue

Life seems to snowball in the strangest ways. I left off after leaving my son at school, cried the whole way home, and tonight I prepare for the long drive to go pick him up...

How was I to know that this was going to be such a tough season? We all have heard "if you can't say something nice, than don't say it at all", and I suppose I have sort of been thinking that regarding blogging. Once again I have hit a dry patch, but this time it is more due to real life weighing heavy.

With the snow melting, and the sun shining, I have to believe that a season of loss is ending. I have to believe that.

In January I lost a ministry that is very near and dear to my heart. In February I lost my 2nd born to college, which is "good" but still painful. In March my oldest moved out on his own, so two of my three are leaving the nest and I ache.

Two weeks after leaving my Toad at school, I received a call from the hospital. My dad was there in ICU. Within a few days we had a diagnosis, and he was released into Hospice care...given six months to live. I spent the next two and a half months caring for him, but in April...I lost my dad.

Now as I plan to go get my son from school, I also plan my dad's memorial. I don't think I have ever cried so much as I have these past few months.

I have been knitting though! What is funny to me is that in hindsight I notice a lot of blue. It was not a conscious decision. I see a thread to it all and will elaborate further...but for now, I just wanted to dip my toe back into this thing called blogging.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

"Life As You Know It No Longer Exists...."

Words spoken to me by my mother in law when we found out I was pregnant...words I tell every pregnant woman I know, and words I now tell myself.

There are so many things wrong with hitting the emotional roller coaster that comes to women in their 40's and then add to that their babies seem to grow up and go away at the same time. Who made up those rules? I like to think I am not a wreck but then out of the blue I am crying...does it get better?

See, I have this kid that I really like. We got along from the beginning. Unlike his older brother (another kid I really like) he came into the world with a fast delivery. From the beginning he was just "easy". Not to mention cute as a bug...this tiny mouth that I could stare at all day, and his little nose I kissed constantly.

As he kept growing he continued to be more than I expected. Kind, loving, peace making, smart, missionary heart, and Jesus loving beyond any hopes a mom could ever pray. Sure his face became scratchy, and he smelled less like a boy and more like his dad, but that was fine. I still really liked him.

We never confused parenting with friendship, but this kid and I really got along. We've done some amazing things together, share a kindred spirit in many ways, and in the right light and at the right angle he sort of looks like me. Or at least he has my freckles. We like the same music, he makes us all laugh daily, and he begs me to knit for him! What more could be asked?

But now? Now I'm not so sure. See, he has gone and done the one thing that breaks my heart in the most bittersweet way a mom's heart can be broken. He grew up. I don't know if I can ever forgive him for this one, mainly because he had to go and do that quickly too.

As a homeschooling mom I can count the days we have been apart. Now I am counting them down until we drive him off to college and leave him there. Counting down until I can bring him home for Easter Break. Counting them down until he can come home again....but I know he will just leave for school or some other adventure again and it is the beginning of the end of life as I have known it no longer existing.

This is a poem my aunt embroidered for me. She gave it to me at my baby shower beautifully framed. I loved it then, and lived it with my kids...the upside to all this aching that I am feeling right now is the fact that it comes from living it well.

Cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow... For babies grow up, we've learned to our sorrow... So quiet down cobwebs... dust go to sleep... I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep!!

I am open to encouragement....not to be such a whiny baby, because I really am fine, but then there are those moments I find myself tearing up for no reason....ugh! Also to be fair, it is not like he is going off to some worrisome place. He is going on a full scholarship to bible college. I guess I can forgive him.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

100 Days of Prayer

Well, I'm back to blogging...who knows for how long, but at least for one more post. I don't know why something I can think about so much, and want to do so badly still seems like the thing I never get done in my day. Oh well...

So we have a new President! I have really enjoyed seeing people be so happy for a change. There seems to be an optimism that is refreshing, and for many people it represents more than a change in who sits in the Oval Office. I don't think of myself as looking at race as an issue, perhaps being naive, so it was a bit of an eye opener to watch the faces of all colors...seeing their tears as a man is sworn into office, a man who looks more like they do. I was sincerely happy for their moment and what it meant, obviously going very deep in ways I can't imagine. I am looking forward to people talking kindly about the President, respectfully even. I hope the honeymoon lasts.

I did not vote for him, but it does not change my respect and support. The thing that makes me sad is that many people still seem to want to make jabs at the previous President. The thing that both men have in common is that they are just I don't mean that in a gender way, I mean it in a humankind sort of way. We are fallible. If we are honest with ourselves we can admit that we all blow it. Even the things we desire to do well, we don't always do well.

I am hoping that our new President, my new President, exceeds all expectations. When he shows his fallibility, and he will, I will not be one of the people being nasty with my words. There is a difference in having a differing opinion policy wise, and just saying critical things in a mean spirit. I hope we can know the difference.

I have commited to participate with the Presidential Prayer Team's first 100 Days of Prayer. Not that praying beyond 100 days can't happen, but we have all heard the importance of the first 100 in any administration. Feel free to ask me about it, Google it, or just ignore it...but it is my own way of personally supporting President Obama.

As for the frivilous, I loved Michelle Obama's yellow dress! Was it lemongrass? She looked beautiful....and those girls!! I giggled when I saw Sasha and Malia and their outfits as well. So colorful and fun, just like they seem to be. My absolute favorite moment was Sasha giving her dad the thumbs up after his speech. Absolutely precious and loving and a great way to kick off this new term.