Wednesday, January 28, 2009

"Life As You Know It No Longer Exists...."

Words spoken to me by my mother in law when we found out I was pregnant...words I tell every pregnant woman I know, and words I now tell myself.

There are so many things wrong with hitting the emotional roller coaster that comes to women in their 40's and then add to that their babies seem to grow up and go away at the same time. Who made up those rules? I like to think I am not a wreck but then out of the blue I am crying...does it get better?

See, I have this kid that I really like. We got along from the beginning. Unlike his older brother (another kid I really like) he came into the world with a fast delivery. From the beginning he was just "easy". Not to mention cute as a bug...this tiny mouth that I could stare at all day, and his little nose I kissed constantly.

As he kept growing he continued to be more than I expected. Kind, loving, peace making, smart, missionary heart, and Jesus loving beyond any hopes a mom could ever pray. Sure his face became scratchy, and he smelled less like a boy and more like his dad, but that was fine. I still really liked him.

We never confused parenting with friendship, but this kid and I really got along. We've done some amazing things together, share a kindred spirit in many ways, and in the right light and at the right angle he sort of looks like me. Or at least he has my freckles. We like the same music, he makes us all laugh daily, and he begs me to knit for him! What more could be asked?

But now? Now I'm not so sure. See, he has gone and done the one thing that breaks my heart in the most bittersweet way a mom's heart can be broken. He grew up. I don't know if I can ever forgive him for this one, mainly because he had to go and do that quickly too.

As a homeschooling mom I can count the days we have been apart. Now I am counting them down until we drive him off to college and leave him there. Counting down until I can bring him home for Easter Break. Counting them down until he can come home again....but I know he will just leave for school or some other adventure again and it is the beginning of the end of life as I have known it no longer existing.

This is a poem my aunt embroidered for me. She gave it to me at my baby shower beautifully framed. I loved it then, and lived it with my kids...the upside to all this aching that I am feeling right now is the fact that it comes from living it well.

Cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow... For babies grow up, we've learned to our sorrow... So quiet down cobwebs... dust go to sleep... I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep!!

I am open to encouragement....not to be such a whiny baby, because I really am fine, but then there are those moments I find myself tearing up for no reason....ugh! Also to be fair, it is not like he is going off to some worrisome place. He is going on a full scholarship to bible college. I guess I can forgive him.


Lindsey said...

Aww. A good reminder to hug the little ones a little tighter tonight.

Freaky Knitter said...

Wow!! That's so awesome and you will survive, I promise! Love you all!

the Provident Woman said...

I feel like going to give my kids a hug now. But it will have to wait until after naptime.